#somehow it was worse than I remembered!!
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I just tried rollerskating outside again for the first time since last year and oooof it's so bad, I'm so bad at it, the pain is so bad, everything about it is very very bad
#somehow it was worse than I remembered!!#it's not even that I'm too scared now. that's better thanks to the meds.#it's mostly that my body fucking sucks. I guess it should be obvious that if walking for 10 minutes hurts a lot. rollerskating would hurt#even more.#but somehow it still surprises me every time! I'm in so. much. pain.#and no it's not just regular sore muscles. I know what that feels like. no it's so much worse. sore muscles never felt like this.#I know because my body was fine-ish until I was like 20 so I know what that felt like.#anyway I'm in pain and I'm lying on the couch now and won't get up for a long time 🙃#and last year it didn't get better either. it hurt the same or even more every single time#I've tried all the advice I could find. I did exercises to get my muscles used to those specific motions. it didn't help#soooo I'm thinking I just.. shouldn't try this year. it feels so bad because I really want to get better at it but I don't think the pain#is worth it...#I'm willing to be in pain after I paint or write or whatever... that brings me so much joy that I can live with the pain...#but so far rollerskating doesn't do that. without the pain it could. but it's pretty much instant. sooo I don't think I should try again#for a while at least...#😭😭#personal
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APPLES IN THE SKY (excerpt from THE THRILLING AND NOT AT ALL REPETITIVE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MAN AND KID DANGER: “A CHRONOLOGY OF ENTIRELY TRUE AND HEROIC EVENTS COINCIDING WITH THE END OF HISTORY”) [1] [2] [3] [4]
[ Henry’s face is unreadable. In the background, desert mountains and vegetation rush past. Smoke rises in the distance, backlighting ambiguous red shapes that could be plant life, flaming crosses, or even ominous figures. The camera cuts to the back of the car with the invalid license plate reading “HERO”, speeding towards a red horizon. Ray twists back in his seat with a smile, reflected in the lens of Henry’s sunglasses. In the review mirror, Henry’s expression is contemplative. The shot pans to a bird’s eye view of the car eating up highway miles. ]
Charli XCX’s “Apple” from BRAT (2024): “I guess the apple could turn yellow or green. I know there's lots of different nuances to you and to me—I wanna grow the apple, keep all the seeds, but I can't help but get so angry you don't listen to me. To the airport—the airport.”
PANEL NOTES:
The smoke is an implication of wildfires in the surrounding area, which Henry and Ray simply drive past because there’s nothing else to do. Maybe those days are behind them. Maybe they’re just not adept in the art of firefighting, and the bigness of a wildfire is too rural or too raw for them to even adress. I think there’s a sort of irony to it, and it’s either heroes ignoring a disaster past their prime or simple not caring; they’re speeding off into an undefined future and therefore no longer grappling with apathy, but sliding into it. Thus, the road is interpreted as a junction between natural conflict running its course and urban obligation.
This was vaguely inspired, albeit not lifted directly, from my millionth or so reread of “Cuticle Tear” by atbash on AO3. Granted, it takes place in a broken-down truck and is not needlessly melodramatic, but AO3 user atbash does more with obligatory dialogue and omitted assumptions than I could do in 20 panels or so.
Specifically, the lyric “‘cause I’ve been looking at you so long now I only see me. I wanna throw the apple into the sky, feels like you never understand me, so I just wanna drive…” struck me as somewhat in line with the feeling—and example—I got from the fic.
Of course, neither yellow or green are used in the actual color palette, but the song carries themes of intertwined identity and generational effects passed down. I think Ray has imparted a lot of the best and worst things about himself to Henry, through the means of their friendship, professional, and mentor relationship. He’s not his dad. It’s worse, almost, that he’s not, because then it would at least be hereditary.
“Apple” is my favorite BRAT (2024) song right now, so of course it’s stuck in my head; I think there’s a flippant, escapist quality to it and can imagine two friends listening to it on the highway, checking out, but also—there’s not quite a realization, more like an unspoken feeling that what you are is a product. And it’s someone else’s fault. And when you look at each other, you’re seeing something else, or maybe you’re trying to. There’s something distantly escapist and obviously upbeat about the song, but there’s a disdain there, too.
It’s hardly visible, but the license plate on the car reads “HERO” singular, which is invalid but implies they have either a fake plate or Swellview is just so strange that their town itself has exceptions as to how they’re issued, again violating the laws and conventional physics of surrounding territory. They’re a weird exception, as always, and they’re getting away with it.
Their identities are so intertwined at this point that theyre conflated, so there’s an obligatory ego flattening going on as well as an erasure of both or one of them—most likely Henry’s—to accommodate. You might call it being a teammate, although how Henry feels about it after all this time is unsure.
Ray did this to him, the good and the bad doesn’t matter; it’s the fact that he did it.
#henry danger#henry hart#captain man#ray manchester#henray#dangerverse#kid danger#my art#smt smt smt this is the most depressing roadtrip thats ever occurred that just wasnt a straight up kidnapping#blah blah blah he’s not his dad but if he was this would be worse almost. or better. there would be an excuse somehow.#ok i had to repost bc smt the app went all weird and i got paranoid#their identities are so intertwined that its a joint thing and henry knows but cant even say it out loud because that’ll break the illusion#and its almost worse to find out than to wonder. so he’s looking at him and thinking do you remember me. in the sense that however much ray#sees him as that little sidekick or extension of himself vs a seperate entity is so ambiguous it might not even matter.#anyway just girl things to think about tehehehe
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not to bring tiktok drama on tumblr but like every time a ‘scandal’ comes out with one of these ‘production companies’ that make fan films i always hope we’re finally gonna discuss how they professionalize something that should be an hobbyist endeavor… and yet every single time i’m disappointed.
#like I know we’ve been talking about it here on tumblr and i remember seeing like one or two videos on tt about it#but other than that creators really don’t seem to be engaging critically with the impact that the very nature of what they’re doing has#and look i truly do love the art that some of the people involved in the project make#like arone is truly one of the most talented cosplayers i know#ethan is an amazing actor and I’ve followed him since before he was even in the marauders#dorian is a great writer and idk the others as well but I’m sure they are all great artists#((naming the just cause i feel like being vague would be worse in this case))#and i do believe they engaged with the project with the best of intentions#without knowing or trying to afford grace on past controversy#and it truly is a horrible predicament to have your work be tainted like that for something you had no control over#but like i do think we should be questioning the very idea of how this fanfilms have been made is inherently a problem#like fanfilms are essentially fanfiction on camera#so as long as a few cosplayers want to get together with their iphones write a script and shoot at the local park I don’t have a problem#but if you are putting in place a product that somehow requires you to fundraise consistently for two years then I have a problem with it#ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE SELLING THE SCRIPT TO DO SO#cause even if that script hadn’t been ai generated#that script is fanfiction and you do. not. sell. fanfiction.#seriously like… do we need to go over our abc again?#like fanart and cosplayers are a bit different in the sense that people sell fanart/do commissions and they can be professional cosplayers#but for any other fanmade project that requires you to put pen to paper (or keyboard to chatgpt ig)#you need to be engaging with several ethical questions regarding any exchange of money#and personally i don’t think that there’s been engagement with those ethical reflections#and this isn’t about any of the people involved and not even about mischief productions specifically#it’s about a wider issue in how we have been collectively normalizing a way of doing things that should not be normal#and like yes star using ai and being overall not good is bad but like can we talk about EVERYTHING ELSE please
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I was listening to the penultimate peril audiobook on my phone but I wanted to play meow tower and hear the cute little music so I went 'I'll put the netflix episode on'
I couldn't do it. I was filled with such unspeakable rage I had to put on something else
#there ARE things i like in the episodes but going from the book. to the show. getting smacked with show!kit#who is always WORSE than i remember. somehow. made me so angry#it's 2024 and yet i will never stop being angry at you netflix!!!!!!!!!
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hey quick question um
is it even possible to open TVL without getting fucking slapped in the face
#needed to refresh myself on the hands incident for a fic and its somehow even worse than i remembered 😭#and this is just the preamble#vc#nickistat
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freaking out about exams and college and instead of studying or anything i have decided to reread the raven cycle and by that i mean i started that saturday afternoon and just finished the dream thieves
#anyways the books are much better than i remember them being#but also somehow worse#sometimes i say things#trc
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throw the whole man away
#binging the paranormal activity movies. micah is somehow even worse than i remember#him and his fucking camera#paranormal activity#horror movies#horror
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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had to be up by 6 am today for back-to-back imaging and oncology appts. have to be up by 5 am tomorrow to go to the airport/ fly back to WI (❤️) where i'll be seeing the entirety of my small, broken family for the first time in years (at my grandpa's 90th birthday party). truly, deeply maxing out on stress
#thoughts and prayers for jess#i still have to pack but thankfully have done laundry#i will say my doctor's appointments were worse today than i remember them being in the past#possibly because slightly more time than usual has passed#during my last round of appointments we thought i might need surgery until an MRI revealed that actually my shit is just fucked#to put it in scientific terms#i somehow also have to both catch up on grading and finish preparing my job application materials while traveling#only way i could be more stressed is if this were all somehow converging with my exams (again)
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the romance/relationship system in bg3 is genuinely some of the worst designed shit i've ever seen in any game with that feature but at least the memes we get out of it are funny. once saw someone comment something along the lines of 'patch note: waving at gale will no longer cause him to buy a house for the two of you to retire in' and i've never recovered since
#i love gale he doesn't deserve (most of) the incel slander#but it's painfully such a good riff because it really really does feel like that#the player choices being a b/w alternation between 'hey there' and 'YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF... NOW!' normally is already comical as is#the fact that it carries over into interactions with the party members who you're presumably trying to be close with is... something else#and what makes it worse is it ISN'T jokey hyperbole. anyone remember 'send a mental image of you kissing him or HIS HEAD ON A PIKE.' c'mon#trying to chat and vibe at the refugee camp celebration and the sum of conversation i get is one (1) line asking how they're doing#because going any further than that elicits marking you down for the path of boning take it or leave it#it's genuinely so hard to get to feel like you can deepen a relationship with the characters in ways that aren't trying to pursue them#yes! halsin! i really want to know you better! i just don't want the ass!! why is trying to hit the only option other than up and leaving!!#99% of the time i expect nothing from media creators in terms of writing interactive relationships#larian are beyond parody in that they've somehow managed to do worse than the already suboptimal majority#we're just going to impose the roadblock of do you want to fuck y/n right off the bat. good luck finding a way to talk around that if not#the obscuration surrounding where exactly the checks are really does not help at all either#when the shit's got even the allos complaining about it you know it's BAD#shame because i was excited for character scenes given that's a lot of what's hyped up about the game#but no it's all just the romances. 'what if i'd like to breathe in someone's general direction-' well now have you heard of our romances?#fish fear them party members fear them and tav is going to have to walk alone on this sinful earth#conservative bigoted relative at the family reunion withers era was a fucking time before they tweaked that line speaking of#just so crazy they can get away with this shit#baldur's gate 3#bg3 liveblog
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so sick of having to say that i forgot id like to never again say i forgot
#i keep worrying my memory got worse but no lmao i just live alone now theres more to remember#its so fucking stressful i genuinely have a worse memory than my 80yo grandma its so bleak#i try my fucking best but theres only so much you can do#anyways#idk how to turn on the heating in my fucking flat hhfhdhd im p sure i was shown how to but like 4 months ago#and somehow didnt occur to me i will likely forget#feeling extremely stupid bc having to tell ppl to figure it out also makes everyone look at you like youre an idiot#oh well
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Matthew Lillard in Summer Catch (2001)
#this movie is somehow even worse than i remembered and brittany murphy is barely in it#but i remembered the slutty slutty lens with which this man was filmed and that's what matters#matthew lillard
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“Drizzt blinked his lavender orbs in amazement at the halfling’s prowess” - Legacy, pg 65
I had to shudder at the use of orbs. It’s been too long since I’ve read anything with eyes being referred to as orbs.
#I’m back reading Drizzt after a year hiatus#I was never normal about it#this is somehow better and worse than I remember#legend of drizzt#my flavor of tism
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If August is the new November this year, does that mean November will be the new August or November will be November - Part II?
#The past couple of years November has been a horrible month for reading and generally getting things done#This year August has been even worse than November#...actually that's not quite right because apparently I only finished TWO books last November :O I hadn't remembered it was that bad!#Okay that doesn't make me necessarily feel any better about this month but it doesn't make me feel worse#(Sitting at four books so far this month and that's WITH two of those books being finished because I got stuck somewhere with almost#nothing to do besides read otherwise it would be so much worse)#This is just me complaining so feel free to carry on - hopefully September will be better (somehow)
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my flatmate took one look at me and gave me her humidifier lmao
#all three of us have very abrasive love languages like there is NO verbal love to speak of#and I can’t remember the last time I hugged either of them#which having THREE of us ALL being very blunt and rough around the edges when it comes to affection can be bad at times#bc like sometimes you do just need someone soft who can shamelessly express love etc#but it’s also very funny when we DO express love bc it’s always so rude and clumsy but I always know exactly what they’re doing#BECAUSE we’re so similar#so like I literally walked through the door and my flatmates happened to be chatting in the hallway#and the one literally just heard my voice and I think I coughed or something#and she immediately clocked that I was ill (and must have somehow clocked that it was worse than when I left bc I’ve been ill for WEEKS#and she’s not once offered this the bitch) and she goes#‘nah I’m not having that take my humidifier’ making out she’s doing it for herself like#and I was like ohhhh you loooovvveeee me#it was just a cute lil thing to immediately be met with when I walked in#esp bc travelling when sick is a MISERABLE experience#hella goes to uni
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What happened with Pedro…?
someone posted on insta about how they 'traveled across multiple countries' in order to find pedro where he's been filming. pedro didn't engage with this person (as is his right), so they whined about it, basically implied pedro was rude about it, and is now playing the victim. as if pedro wasn't the one who was literally stalked. now people are pretty furious and disgusted.
#and now some people are trying to defend this person lmao#like they literally tagged pedro and coco?? and for what??#it's all so gross and weird#i reread it and somehow it's even worse than i remember#pedro pascal#fandom discourse#ask tag
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